How to Find (And Cure) What Is Really Holding You Back

November 20th, 2008          Email This Post        Print This Post

We all have things we want to do, and things that we want to change. We decide to get to sleep earlier, or to work on some project, but we keep procrastinating or never feel like taking action. Or we try and try, and make some progress, but it doesn’t seem to last.

There can be many causes, but a major obstacle is your beliefs about yourself and the world - beliefs such as “but I can’t go to sleep early because there is too much to handle” or “that project is just SO much work!” “But I have never done that before!”

These beliefs are a huge obstacle between you and what your goals. Usually, they are exaggerations or blatantly false! Some beliefs may not be false, but are unhelpful - not having done something before doesn’t mean you can’t do it now!

To achieve your goal, drop these beliefs. Often they are below your conscious awareness- you may never have actually spoken them before. Once you recognize a belief, you can let it go or install an opposite empowering belief. Don’t believe every negative thing you tell yourself - argue on them!

So how do you find these beliefs? Find a quiet place. Just say softly (or even with some doubt) - “I intend to go to sleep earlier”. Now listen. What comes to mind? What are you telling yourself? Usually, an inevitable “but…” comes to mind. Listen for it - invite it! We aren’t looking for discouragement - we are looking for what has been holding us back! Keep saying what you are trying to change or do. There may be many beliefs that come to mind, some rather minor. When a real reason comes, you will know. Evaluate the beliefs. Do they help you? Are they true? If you try to drop the belief, but feel you can’t - ask yourself why. You may find a whole chain of unhelpful beliefs. Drop those too!

Our limits are largely self-imposed. Your brain doesn’t know you can’t do something until you tell it. Find the unhelpful beliefs. Drop them!

What goals have you been struggling to accomplish? Say your goal. Just listen for why it hasn’t worked, and decide to let it go.

Stepping Back - Living Your Values

November 18th, 2008          Email This Post        Print This Post

Do you have deep values that govern your actions? For example, do you try to practice “ahavta lireacha kimocha - love your fellow as yourself” in all your interactions with people?

Most people just react or do what they have to do, like a robot. It is just monotony. However, helping a client because that is your job, and helping a client because you care for them are worlds apart!

We strive to keep the whole Torah, but going out of our way to focus on a few aspects - especially ones that have deep meaning to us - causes us to put in much more effort. Many core middos and mitzvos pervade our lives. We can align every action we do to a mitzvah such as loving others. We passively live all these values, but to ACTIVELY live a few - to constantly check that our actions match, to ask how we can do better - that yields tremendous growth.

What do you value most? What middos are you working on, or hope to embody? How are you trying to be a better eved Hashem? It could be being more grateful to Hashem (brachos) and other peorle, sensitivity to other’s feelings, love for your family, discipline in your actions, helping people as much as possible - there are 238 positive mitzvos and many positive character traits. Which ones resonate with you most?

You should get excited to find some clarity about how to align your actions and what matters most to you, but that is where the work starts. R’ Tatz says in Living Inspired that we get inspired by something new, as a gift from Hashem to help us in the right direction, but it soon fizzles out. I notice this pattern constantly. Hashem gives us booster rockets, they get you far with a large energy burst. However, to reach the destination - for the growth to be lasting - you have to put in the effort to constantly think and live those values. Take time out each day - in the morning before you get caught up in the day, and also before you go to sleep, to connect with what matters most to you. See how you can follow the values better.

Step back, constantly. What matters most to you? What are you doing that doesn’t fit - how can you fix it? What could you be doing to follow it better?

Podcast #11: Attention Management

November 16th, 2008          Email This Post        Print This Post

I am sure you have heard of time management, but have you heard of attention management?

If you can’t play the audio, please click here.

 

 Podcast #11- Attention Management [3:34m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

To Grow, Ask “Why?”

November 13th, 2008          Email This Post        Print This Post

Do you know why you daven? Or why you eat? Are they just habits since childhood, or do you actually have a reason that you do them?

The phrase “but we have always done it that way!” truly maddens me. It basically means “I’m too lazy to think about it.” I ask “why?” very often. The answer to “why?” always makes a difference. Here are some possibilities that the answer leads you to:

• You don’t need to do this action at all (news)
• Different or additional actions produce better results (learning)
• You can do the same action better once you understand the reason (davening, working)

Taking action without knowing why is poor planning. It can be a waste of energy (news), it could be done much better (learning), or you can be going in the wrong direction (work).

Why do you read the news? If it’s to be “informed”, you may want to question if that is worth your time and the probability of inappropriate material. If something meaningful happens, you will hear about it. If you feel you must, you can look at just major headlines and get 80% of the real news. The media business exists to sell itself, so there is no surprise that there is little or no meaningful substance.

If you want to relax and be entertained, then perhaps there are less violent - and more relaxing ways - than hearing about murder, explosion, and anti-Semitism.

Why are you learning a sefer - what are you trying to accomplish? For a mussar sefer, you may want to know how to improve your emunah, or how to combat the yetzer harah. Write down your questions. Focus on them as you learn. When you actually focus on what you are trying to learn, it has a much deeper impact. It makes you curious. It makes the learning personal and relevant.

Why do you daven? If it’s to increase your relationship with Hashem, then recognize you are having a conversation and talking to Hashem. If it’s “to judge oneself / to clarify for oneself” then pay particular attention to the hashkafic implications of the words in davening. You don’t need to go very far - it’s quite explicit.

Why do you work? As Jews, we understand that we don’t MAKE money. Hashem determined how much we will earn at the beginning of the year, and if Hashem doesn’t want us to make more money - we won’t.

• One approach is that it’s a test - an opportunity to test your character. Rambam says that teshuvah isn’t complete until you are put into the same situation again and act correctly. The thoughts aren’t enough, it has to be actualized. You may think you are honest, but it isn’t “real” until you are put in a tempting situation and overcome it. With this firmly in mind (not easy), you will be unfailingly honest in business. Trying to cheat or be dishonest to make more money won’t accomplish anything. In Garden of Emunah, there is a story of a poor person who hoped that he would get some money in the mail for Yom Tov. When he saw the mailman, he eyed an envelope that looked like it had money and grabbed it from him. The mailman called for the police, who arrested the poor person. It turned out that the letter was actually addressed to him! If he would have just waited patiently, he would have gotten what was rightfully his without the struggle of dealing with the police. Work is continuous test of emunah - to do your work in a Torah-approved fashion and avoid any temptation for dishonesty.

• Another approach is that work is an outlet for chesed. When the Chofetz Chaim visited an inn, he was served very kindly and nicely by the owner. When they left, the Chofetz Chaim told his travelling companion “the owner was a real baal chesed - look at how well we were treated!”

His companion said - “But he got paid for it! Why are you calling him a baal chesed?”

The Chofetz Chaim replied, “You can see by the way he acted that he wasn’t doing it for the money. The money is only so that he can keep running the inn.” (To help keep this website running, please consider donating.)

In this approach, focus on how you can help people when you work. Your boss, co-workers, employees, customers, clients - be kind, be helpful, be cheerful - don’t merely do your job with a blank face. Chesed is even better than tzedaka - you can even do it for rich people, and you can even do it while being paid!

•  A third approach is that work is to prevent people from using their time to sin. If you would use your time appropriately - learning, chesed, working on your middos - then you wouldn’t need to work at all.

Ask “Why?“! Generally, people do everything just because that’s the way everyone else does it or the way it has always been done. Question everything you do. Should I be doing this at all? Should I be doing something else? Can I be doing it better? Don’t just blindly act, think!