How To Work On Your Character Traits

September 18th, 2008          Email This Post        Print This Post

Over the past 2 years, I have greatly improved many of my character traits - remaining calm and patient, being more sensitive to other, remaining happy, and becoming enthusiastic. I used to become downright frustrated when my computer would crash or not work as I would like. Now I simply recognize that this would be wasting time and try to find something useful to do while I wait. I would like to share some of what I have learned so you can make more rapid progress.

The Vilna Gaon says that if we aren’t constantly striving to improve our character, what are we living for? Rambam says that until a sin is committed multiple times, it isn’t counted against us. This means being the type of person that transgresses, rather than the actual act, is the problem. These indicate that our character is of great importance.

Nature (your genes) and nurture (your environment) may have an effect on our character, but they do not define our character. This is the essence of free choice: there may be things influencing us, but ultimately, we make our own decisions. Hashem doesn’t ask us to do the impossible, so an obligation to work on our character traits must mean that we have control over our responses. Until you can say that your choices got you here, you can’t say “I choose differently”.

If you know why certain reactions, such as becoming impatient, seem out of your control, then you can actively work on them. If you are trying to explain an idea to someone and they don’t understand, it can be very frustrating. Someone not understanding right away isn’t automatically a cause for frustration - that’s how teachers and tutors make a living! Our reaction has to with our interpretation of the event. The problem is we interpret automatically in our subconscious, and we don’t even notice it.

Why does this happen? Because our brain takes shortcuts. It finds how we usually feel or respond, and clicks the shortcut. If it didn’t, then the next time you brush your teeth or eat something, you would have to pay a lot of attention to exactly how to hold your toothbrush or fork. When people would show me the “proper” way to hold a pen, I would grab a pen to see how I held it, because consciously I have no clue. Shortcuts are vital, but some are very unhelpful.

In order to work on your reactions and traits, you need to find these shortcuts. You can’t delete them, instead you reprogram them to point where you want. You must ask yourself: the next time someone doesn’t understand me for the 5th time, how do I want to respond, exactly? What will my tone of voice be? What will my words be? What will my thoughts be?
Decide that you will speak calmly. You won’t insult or say how you wish they would get it. Think about what your desired outcome is, and how to make it happen. There must be some communication issue, and if they don’t understand, then it is up to you to rephrase it and figure out how to make them understand. You may also want to keep in mind that trying to rush them to understand will just make them anxious and less likely to comprehend.
Unlike a computer, reprogramming your brain isn’t as simple as hitting “edit” and “save”. Rehearsing how you want to respond many, many times until it becomes automatic will definitely help! You will get faster each time, and it will become more and more “normal” to respond that way.

You can catch yourself before you follow a shortcut by pausing and asking how you want to respond. If you want to make more rapid progress, or find yourself getting caught up in the moment, reprogram the shortcuts before they are clicked. These are the basic steps to changing any reaction:

• What reactions do you want to stop? Knowing the problem is half the solution.
• How would you like to feel instead, exactly? What would your thoughts, feeling, words, and actions be?
• Now, visualize yourself in one of those situations that comes up, and react the way you want. It’s just pictures in your head, so you can choose any way you want. Exaggerate how calm and pleasant you will be! Even if you don’t really see it happening, you are reprogramming the shortcut. Athletes constantly repeat their basic practices and visualize amazing performances so they can do their best.
• When that situation comes up, pause and review how you want to react. That stops the old shortcut and helps you strengthen the reprogramming. If you can, remember a time that you successfully reacted properly, for an added confidence boost. Recalling any time you reacted properly will be helpful, even if the situation is unrelated.

• After the situation, be glad that you noticed, even if you only noticed after and responded normally! Most people never notice their opportunities to improve their character.
• Ask yourself: what did I do right? Find something, however small. Focus on any small improvements you made so far. Look at the bottom of the mountain and see how far you have climbed! We thrive on positive reinforcement. When we feel good about out actions - even some of them - we reinforce them
• Ask: what will I do differently next time? “Battle plans never survive the first encounter with the enemy” - If your plan didn’t work, how can you alter your plan to work better next time? We aren’t asking what you did wrong, only how it can be improved for next time.

What shortcuts do you want to change? Where do you want them to point?

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