No video? View the video about releasing here.

Summary of the questions:
Could you allow yourself to experience the current emotion?
Could you let it go? (If not, could you hold on to it?)
Would you let it go?
When?
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If you are looking for a job or how you can help others, then you are probably focusing on their lack or on your knowledge. “What are they missing, or what do I know that can help?”
While that is nice, there is a much better (and fulfilling) way: ask “What am I really good at?”
After leaving Egypt, when collecting supplies for the Mishkan (the traveling Temple) the princes were looked down upon for saying “we will handle whatever is left over”. They should have given their best. So don’t ask “what’s left to do?” Rather, ask “What can I do really well?”

Whatever it is that you do really well, you probably do automatically. In Is Your Genius at Work? Dick Richards says that everyone has a core process – a way that they process all information, naturally. Mine has to do with seeing possibilities and potential for expansion. It just happens naturally: if the conversation turns to business, I start coming up with ideas to market better and provide more value, automatically.

Stop trying to “fix” all the natural ways that you act. Stop developing competencies merely because you think that they will get you a better job. Unless the way you act is downright harmful, find a way to harness it to help you. Instead of developing a weak skill, focus on what you automatically and naturally do well – and become amazing at it. That’s really what makes you unique – the tools that G-D put in you, not the things that you learn. So focus on your strengths and inclinations, and develop them.

(StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath is a test that will identify your top strengths, which probably fuel your core process.)

What are your strengths? When do you use them? Can you tell the difference in your energy and results when you aren’t using them? Come discuss it in the forum!

p.s. It seems the page with the list of recommended books was inaccessible until just now – view it here: Recommended Books

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Most people just react or do what they have to do, like a robot. It is just monotony. However, helping a client because that is your job, and helping a client because you care for them are worlds apart!

We strive to keep the whole Torah, but going out of our way to focus on a few aspects – especially ones that have deep meaning to us – causes us to put in much more effort. Many core middos and mitzvos pervade our lives. We can align every action we do to a mitzvah such as loving others. We passively live all these values, but to ACTIVELY live a few – to constantly check that our actions match, to ask how we can do better – that yields tremendous growth.

What do you value most? What middos are you working on, or hope to embody? How are you trying to be a better eved Hashem? It could be being more grateful to Hashem (brachos) and other peorle, sensitivity to other’s feelings, love for your family, discipline in your actions, helping people as much as possible – there are 238 positive mitzvos and many positive character traits. Which ones resonate with you most?

You should get excited to find some clarity about how to align your actions and what matters most to you, but that is where the work starts. R’ Tatz says in Living Inspired that we get inspired by something new, as a gift from Hashem to help us in the right direction, but it soon fizzles out. I notice this pattern constantly. Hashem gives us booster rockets, they get you far with a large energy burst. However, to reach the destination – for the growth to be lasting – you have to put in the effort to constantly think and live those values. Take time out each day – in the morning before you get caught up in the day, and also before you go to sleep, to connect with what matters most to you. See how you can follow the values better.

Step back, constantly. What matters most to you? What are you doing that doesn’t fit – how can you fix it? What could you be doing to follow it better?
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The phrase “but we have always done it that way!” truly maddens me. It basically means “I’m too lazy to think about it.” I ask “why?” very often. The answer to “why?” always makes a difference. Here are some possibilities that the answer leads you to:

• You don’t need to do this action at all (news)
• Different or additional actions produce better results (learning)
• You can do the same action better once you understand the reason (davening, working)

Taking action without knowing why is poor planning. It can be a waste of energy (news), it could be done much better (learning), or you can be going in the wrong direction (work).

Why do you read the news? If it’s to be “informed”, you may want to question if that is worth your time and the probability of inappropriate material. If something meaningful happens, you will hear about it. If you feel you must, you can look at just major headlines and get 80% of the real news. The media business exists to sell itself, so there is no surprise that there is little or no meaningful substance.

If you want to relax and be entertained, then perhaps there are less violent – and more relaxing ways – than hearing about murder, explosion, and anti-Semitism.

Why are you learning a sefer – what are you trying to accomplish? For a mussar sefer, you may want to know how to improve your emunah, or how to combat the yetzer harah. Write down your questions. Focus on them as you learn. When you actually focus on what you are trying to learn, it has a much deeper impact. It makes you curious. It makes the learning personal and relevant.

Why do you daven? If it’s to increase your relationship with Hashem, then recognize you are having a conversation and talking to Hashem. If it’s “to judge oneself / to clarify for oneself” then pay particular attention to the hashkafic implications of the words in davening. You don’t need to go very far – it’s quite explicit.

Why do you work? As Jews, we understand that we don’t MAKE money. Hashem determined how much we will earn at the beginning of the year, and if Hashem doesn’t want us to make more money – we won’t.

• One approach is that it’s a test – an opportunity to test your character. Rambam says that teshuvah isn’t complete until you are put into the same situation again and act correctly. The thoughts aren’t enough, it has to be actualized. You may think you are honest, but it isn’t “real” until you are put in a tempting situation and overcome it. With this firmly in mind (not easy), you will be unfailingly honest in business. Trying to cheat or be dishonest to make more money won’t accomplish anything. In Garden of Emunah, there is a story of a poor person who hoped that he would get some money in the mail for Yom Tov. When he saw the mailman, he eyed an envelope that looked like it had money and grabbed it from him. The mailman called for the police, who arrested the poor person. It turned out that the letter was actually addressed to him! If he would have just waited patiently, he would have gotten what was rightfully his without the struggle of dealing with the police. Work is continuous test of emunah – to do your work in a Torah-approved fashion and avoid any temptation for dishonesty.

• Another approach is that work is an outlet for chesed. When the Chofetz Chaim visited an inn, he was served very kindly and nicely by the owner. When they left, the Chofetz Chaim told his travelling companion “the owner was a real baal chesed – look at how well we were treated!”

His companion said – “But he got paid for it! Why are you calling him a baal chesed?”

The Chofetz Chaim replied, “You can see by the way he acted that he wasn’t doing it for the money. The money is only so that he can keep running the inn.” (To help keep this website running, please consider donating.)

In this approach, focus on how you can help people when you work. Your boss, co-workers, employees, customers, clients – be kind, be helpful, be cheerful – don’t merely do your job with a blank face. Chesed is even better than tzedaka – you can even do it for rich people, and you can even do it while being paid!

•  A third approach is that work is to prevent people from using their time to sin. If you would use your time appropriately – learning, chesed, working on your middos – then you wouldn’t need to work at all.

Ask “Why?“! Generally, people do everything just because that’s the way everyone else does it or the way it has always been done. Question everything you do. Should I be doing this at all? Should I be doing something else? Can I be doing it better? Don’t just blindly act, think!
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Often, your views are self-fulfilling, especially if they refer to something under your control – “whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are probably right.”

If you think pessimistically, you won’t fully commit yourself. For example, if you have a job interview, your doubt will impact the way you stand, sit, and talk – however slightly. If you think that you won’t be able to learn this piece of gemara, you will stop short and just give up. Why would you commit yourself if you don’t expect it to help? This often causes the pessimistic view to be self-fulfilling. If you expect something bad to happen, you can always find something to be annoyed about.

On the other hand, thinking optimistically motivates you to put in more effort to get the result you are aiming for. If you are working on anger, but are having a difficult time, then optimism will get you to keep trying. A pessimist will say “this will never work!” and just give up. Optimism also makes you happier – there are no future horrors to dwell on. Your immune system works better, so you are healthier. You will be nicer to others, so they are nicer to you. The gemara tells us: ”I toiled, but didn’t find – don’t believe him” – in learning, if someone claims to have put in the work but didn’t understand what he learned, we don’t believe that he actually did the work. You only stop doing the work when you give up hope.

The clear downside of pessimism is demotivation – you don’t feel that taking action will help. You also get to feel depressed about it now, rather than if something bad happens.

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
– Mark Twain

However, optimism also has a danger. You may be so hopeful that you ignore reality. Last Wednesday, the keyboard on my laptop started acting oddly – putting in extra weird characters, most of the time. I don’t have any other computer. Sunday morning  the keyboard wouldn’t type normally at all. Even with a regular keyboard plugged in, it wouldn’t work. I was feeling rather distraught – I use my laptop for gemara shiur every morning, for running this website, as well as most other things I do. To not have a working computer is tremendously frustrating to me. I could see my emails, but I couldn’t write back. I noticed that I was becoming depressed. I realized that I could tell myself that it will be fixed quickly, or the next time I try the problem will go away – I could choose to be unfailingly optimistic. But I just couldn’t believe that would be true- I would be lying to myself.
 

That sparked my new (partial) understanding of optimism: optimism isn’t out there – it’s inside you. 

“Whenever you think the problem is out there, that thought is the problem.” Life isn’t about what goes on out there. Life is about how you view it, and what you do about it. The 4th perek of Pirkei Avos defines a rich, wise, strong, honored person – they are all rooted in yourself, not in comparison to someone else (e.g. a rich person is someone that rejoices with his lot, not “the richest man in town”). So instead of expecting the good “out there”, focus on the good in yourself. Don’t think “It will work out” but rather “I can handle it. This won’t overwhelm me. I can do something about it.” Instead of saying “Great things will happen to me today” say “I will do great things today!” While great things MAY happen to you, you have direct control over yourself – you can cause it to happen. Instead of ignoring reality, you are choosing how you will act.

Extreme pessimism has an attitude of “it’s horrible, there’s nothing I can do about it. No matter what I do or how hard I try, it just won’t work.”

Optimism is about empowerment. It says “I can deal with it. I can change it, or learn to live with it. If I need help, I can contiune davening for it. Hashem doesn’t send me challenges I can’t handle!” (R’ Tauber says that a need indicates that you need to daven. As long as you have that need, you must continue to daven.)

Instead of focusing on how much time I may not be able to use my computer, I decided to focus on what I could do instead, such as reading more. Instead of focusing on the annoyance and possible frustration about getting the keyboard fixed, I focused on my ability to remain calm and make the most of my time. I know at least one good thing came from it – I have a better understanding of optimism!

Be unfailingly optimistic – expect the best from YOURSELF, in all situations!
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Great, so you are choosing to be happy now. But how? Well, I could tell you to access a positive state – recall a time that you were very happy, and fully experience that moment. Or many other techniques perfected in the NLP toolkit. And it would work. You would be happy.

But that’s cheap. It’s temporary and only skin deep.

Instead, let’s look at the present moment and see what we can truly be happy about. Thinking appreciatively or gratefully for what you have is true happiness – it’s Rabbi Pliskin’s first “Happiness Principle” in his great book, Conversations With Yourself. 

When you get something new, or someone gives you something unexpected, it isn’t that hard to be grateful – for a few moments. If getting a new gizmo or clothes would make you happy, you can also be happy with the gizmo or clothes that you have now! You can keep appreciating something long after you get it. In the morning brachos, we bless Hashem for being able to walk. That is something that is so expected, it falls off our radar screen and we don’t appreciate it at all. From being able to walk and talk, to having a home, many things become so normal to us that we don’t appreciate them anymore. It is time to sensitize yourself to the myriad of things to be grateful for.

Take a moment and STOP. What can you appreciate? Being able to walk and talk? Having clothes and a place to sleep? An amazing spouse? Adorable children? Great friends? A nice house? A rewarding job? Warm, comfortable, clothes? Food that you like? Some cool electronics? The computer or printer that is enabling you to read this article?

Pirke Avos says: “Who is a rich person? The person that rejoices with his lot.” When you can rejoice with what you have, you will truly be rich. If you can appreciate what you have, you will escape the trap of constantly waiting for something to make you (temporarily) happy.

• When you say brachos before or after food, don’t just mumble the words. Say them clearly. Think about them. Appreciate the food that you are about to eat or just had!
• After you visit the bathroom, realize that the body is amazingly complicated, and thank Hashem that it’s in good working order!
• When paying your bills, think about all the great benefit that you have received.

Don’t plan to do this tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a figment of your imagination. Do it right now. Really stop and look around. It may take (at least) a few moments to really recognize the great things in your life. 

What are you grateful for?
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The 80/20 rule, also known as the Pareto principle helps us greatly. The 80/20 rule says that 80% of the results come from 20% of the time or effort you put in. Things aren’t linear – each hour of work doesn’t produce the same amount of results – just compare answering email to having a sales meeting with a potential client. There are 193,071 books about productivity on Amazon, but read more than a few and they would all start to say basically the same thing. In corporations, 80% of the revenue often comes from 20% of the clients and 20% of the products. If you focus on that 20%, you can achieve tremendous results in much less time.

I am not proposing leaving the job half done, but to make the qualitative leap for a new trait or middah. Reading and applying merely three books on productivity (.00001% of all productivity books on Amazon) would make a tremendous improvement. While being joyous can be the work of a lifetime, the first 20% of the time and effort will help you reach a threshold that makes a tremendous difference in your life.  An “extreme” sense of joy is to remain joyous even when nothing is going your way. It will take you a lot of time and effort. However, consider if you would be joyous when nothing is wrong (most of the time) or when things are only a little wrong (the relatively minor stresses that come up). That would make a major impact on your life, but isn’t nearly as hard to reach. That smaller amount of effort gives you the majority of the benefits.

Make a list of the traits and middos you would like to integrate into your character. How little would you have to do for it to make a major difference in your life?
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In yesterday’s post I mentioned that most people can figure out what they want to do with their life, right now, without any more information or experience. I think deep inside you know, but most people haven’t given themselves permission to let it out. You may think it is just a fantasy, not believing that it is possible for a number of reasons: you don’t think you can do it, it’s not possible at all, or it’s not financially feasible.

However, I think it is rather silly to kill the idea of what you really want to do with your life before you even speak it out. You can at least do something towards what you want, on a smaller scale. Also, once you speak it out, your idea may not be so daunting. Even if it is, nearly anything is possible if you are willing to put in the time and effort. In short, don’t kill the idea before it even sees the light of day!

These questions should help you express what exactly you are interested in, by getting you around those limiting criteria. Use these questions to help you brainstorm and dream a little!

•          What would you do if you were guaranteed that you couldn’t fail?
•          If you had 100 million dollars, how would you like to spend your time?

Answering these questions aloud or by writing – it forces clarity. When brainstormings, keep producing ideas without pausing, and don’t judge ideas until you finish. Don’t kill the idea about what really interests you before it even comes out of your mouth!

You may have lots of societal norms and expectations floating in your head that may cause you to answer that you want to become a ceo, be rich, live in a huge mansion, or travel around the world. Yey, yey, but then what? Or, why? What do you want to do as a CEO, a doctor, or a roshei yeshivah? When you find the core reason, you can approach it in a much more flexible way. If you want to save people as a doctor, you may question if that means only physically, or spiritually and mentally also, and may expand or find something that actually better suites your goal.

What do you really care about?
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Most people can figure out a direction for their life if they ever stop to think about it. However, many people have told me that they have no idea – so how can they make a plan?

My answer: plan to make a plan. You must have a destination you are trying to reach. If not, then your destination should be “figure out what destination I want to reach”. This plan is something that you do, not just sitting around. Plan to do whatever you need to do so that you can make a plan for life. What is holding you back? If you don’t have enough information about what your strengths, passions, and interests are, then find out! If you don’t have enough experience, then go get some – explore anything that interest you. Don’t sit there, go do something!

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” –  Theodore Roosevelt

Don’t be afraid that your plan isn’t perfect – it doesn’t neet to be. The point of the plan is that it makes you take action. Once you start taking action, you get results, which will help you determine if this is something meaningful to you or not. If not, you can quickly move on – plans help things move faster.

What’s stopping you from making plans? Make a plan to overcome it!

For more about the importance of and how to set goals, listen to podcast #8.
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If you flick the light switch but it doesn’t go on, do you keep flicking it back and forth? I hope you would quickly realize that you should look for another problem.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

(See my podcast on Doing Things Differently.)

The answer I have often heard is to choose something small to work on, and then halve it. And then to halve it again. That way you will have something that will stick. I know I am far more ambitious than most people, but doesn’t that sound like a tiny goal to set for you entire year of growth? The Vilna Gaon said that if we aren’t working on improving our character traits, then what is the point of living?

It isn’t because you are trying for something too large, or that you can’t grow that much at once, but because the only thing you have changed is your commitment. In the secular world, it is called a New Year’s Resolution – something that you resolve to do – focusing on discipline. Focusing on discipline only helps short term. After a few days, all the problems mentioned before start up again. Trying to discipline yourself more when you haven’t improved your discipline won’t help you. “This year I am really going to improve my davening!” will yield the same results as last year! You don’t need a Rosh Hashanah Resolution, you need a Rosh Hashanah Plan!

A few days ago, I wrote about 3 Critical Steps To Pursuing Growth, which I encourage you to read (print it if you don’t have time now). Those are critical steps, and while they may be enough for working on character traits, they aren’t enough for something like scheduling more learning time.

Just because it’s Rosh Hashanah doesn’t mean you can magically add an hour of learning to your schedule! There is a reason (or many!) you haven’t done the learning until now, and you have to overcome all of them. You need a plan to overcome any reasons that may stop you from reaching your new goal.

Take out a piece of paper and list all the possible obstacles to making this happen, including any reasons why it hasn’t worked in the past. They may include not having time, being unsure of where to learn, not knowing who learn with, or things coming up that seem urgent. This list will be unique to you.

Now, what will you do to make it different this year? Address each obstacle. If you don’t know, ask a friend, your spouse, or daven for inspiration. You don’t need to know that it will work, but you need a new approach. After trying for a few days, you may find a better way.

Some things that may help:
• Find a partner to hold you accountable.
• Schedule your learning early in the morning so nothing can come up to derail it.
• Choose something you want to learn.

Go do something right now! Give your partner a call, and schedule your first time. Go ahead and blame me, tell him you read an article that said not to wait until you saw him next. Visit the bookstore and buy whatever you will need.

Don’t rely on your motivation to last – leverage it. Use it to make commitments to others you won’t want to break. Use it to disrupt old patterns and to start new ones. Use your motivation to set up the environment to push you to keep going. Once you do it for 30 days, it will hardly seem as hard as it did in the beginning.

If there has been a lot of resistance in the past, don’t just find ways to overcome obstacles, obliterate them with overwhelming force. Take your actions to the next level. If this problem (e.g., not getting out to learn) were a fly, what would be a sledgehammer? Perhaps… commit to teaching a class, ask the Rabbi for a learning session so you will feel worse about cancelling, tell your learning partner that you will give him $20 if you miss. Be creative – and set that up NOW. Leverage your motivation!

Rosh Hashanah isn’t just that yearly time to guilt us into doing something. Rosh Hashanah is an amazing opportunity to daven for help. Go into Rosh Hashanah with a smile on your face and tell Hashem (your loving father) that you actually have a plan this year and you just want some help.

Of course, if anyone asks why you seem so happy, don’t hesitate to tell them to about this blog. In fact, you should probably sign up so you can get updates by email, to keep you thinking about growing.
Have you decided what to focus on and made a plan? If not now, when? -Hillel

p.s. I encourage you to send this post with a link, or just the link, to your friends. Show them you really care!
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