I use the labs to enable  ”Send & Archive” so that when I reply, it disappears – the ball is in their court, and I effectively forget about the topic until it bounces back in my inbox.

What happens when you ask someone for some information, and they reply – what response do you send? It’s one thing to just leave your email in your inbox, but to actually hit “archive” just seems rude. Sure, they don’t know the difference between the two, but I know that means I will not be sending back any reply. The conversation was done… but I hadn’t thanked them.

But an email saying “thank you” seems kinda silly to me. It’s just one more in their long list of emails, and doesn’t really convey any information… it may signify the end of the discussion, but they probably already felt it was finished.

I started this post having in mind to ask what you thought (if you get this by email, feel free to reply or use the forum to post a comment). While about to start, I had an idea… instead of sending an email that basically says “Thanks for the reply [end of discussion]“, to really thank them, and make them feel good.

Forget any basic thank you letters – I just searched for a few and they seem far too rigid and sterile. Perhaps a few ingredients from this list, as appropriate – it doesn’t have to be long, just keep it real:

• Thanks for taking the time to respond – especially if they did some research or a bit of writing for you
• If it was a quick response, mention it!
• If the information was very good/timely/helpful/useful, say so – and why! e.g. “It was good you said that, because I was about to try the opposite.”
• Mention why you asked them – most likely it’s because you think they know about the question. So compliment them on being that person “in the know”. e.g. “Thanks for the help, you always seem to have the answers to these questions!”

With some of those ingredients, I don’t think I’ll feel any disease about sending a short email, and also should make them feel appreciated reading it.

So go ahead and clog up people’s email boxes spreading the good cheer!
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(Video 2:41)

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The Vilna Gaon says that if we aren’t constantly striving to improve our character, what are we living for? Rambam says that until a sin is committed multiple times, it isn’t counted against us. This means being the type of person that transgresses, rather than the actual act, is the problem. These indicate that our character is of great importance.

Nature (your genes) and nurture (your environment) may have an effect on our character, but they do not define our character. This is the essence of free choice: there may be things influencing us, but ultimately, we make our own decisions. Hashem doesn’t ask us to do the impossible, so an obligation to work on our character traits must mean that we have control over our responses. Until you can say that your choices got you here, you can’t say “I choose differently”.

If you know why certain reactions, such as becoming impatient, seem out of your control, then you can actively work on them. If you are trying to explain an idea to someone and they don’t understand, it can be very frustrating. Someone not understanding right away isn’t automatically a cause for frustration – that’s how teachers and tutors make a living! Our reaction has to with our interpretation of the event. The problem is we interpret automatically in our subconscious, and we don’t even notice it.

Why does this happen? Because our brain takes shortcuts. It finds how we usually feel or respond, and clicks the shortcut. If it didn’t, then the next time you brush your teeth or eat something, you would have to pay a lot of attention to exactly how to hold your toothbrush or fork. When people would show me the “proper” way to hold a pen, I would grab a pen to see how I held it, because consciously I have no clue. Shortcuts are vital, but some are very unhelpful.

In order to work on your reactions and traits, you need to find these shortcuts. You can’t delete them, instead you reprogram them to point where you want. You must ask yourself: the next time someone doesn’t understand me for the 5th time, how do I want to respond, exactly? What will my tone of voice be? What will my words be? What will my thoughts be?
Decide that you will speak calmly. You won’t insult or say how you wish they would get it. Think about what your desired outcome is, and how to make it happen. There must be some communication issue, and if they don’t understand, then it is up to you to rephrase it and figure out how to make them understand. You may also want to keep in mind that trying to rush them to understand will just make them anxious and less likely to comprehend.
Unlike a computer, reprogramming your brain isn’t as simple as hitting “edit” and “save”. Rehearsing how you want to respond many, many times until it becomes automatic will definitely help! You will get faster each time, and it will become more and more “normal” to respond that way.

You can catch yourself before you follow a shortcut by pausing and asking how you want to respond. If you want to make more rapid progress, or find yourself getting caught up in the moment, reprogram the shortcuts before they are clicked. These are the basic steps to changing any reaction:

• What reactions do you want to stop? Knowing the problem is half the solution.
• How would you like to feel instead, exactly? What would your thoughts, feeling, words, and actions be?
• Now, visualize yourself in one of those situations that comes up, and react the way you want. It’s just pictures in your head, so you can choose any way you want. Exaggerate how calm and pleasant you will be! Even if you don’t really see it happening, you are reprogramming the shortcut. Athletes constantly repeat their basic practices and visualize amazing performances so they can do their best.
• When that situation comes up, pause and review how you want to react. That stops the old shortcut and helps you strengthen the reprogramming. If you can, remember a time that you successfully reacted properly, for an added confidence boost. Recalling any time you reacted properly will be helpful, even if the situation is unrelated.

• After the situation, be glad that you noticed, even if you only noticed after and responded normally! Most people never notice their opportunities to improve their character.
• Ask yourself: what did I do right? Find something, however small. Focus on any small improvements you made so far. Look at the bottom of the mountain and see how far you have climbed! We thrive on positive reinforcement. When we feel good about out actions – even some of them – we reinforce them
• Ask: what will I do differently next time? “Battle plans never survive the first encounter with the enemy” – If your plan didn’t work, how can you alter your plan to work better next time? We aren’t asking what you did wrong, only how it can be improved for next time.

What shortcuts do you want to change? Where do you want them to point?

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One thought follows the last. We think by associations. If you have a negative thought, the next thought will also be negative. Our brain automatically tunes into thoughts fitting our current emotional state. If you are currently feeling depressed, depressed thoughts will come to mind. If you are happy, happy thoughts will come to mind.

Here are some good ways to start off thinking positively.

• Feel appreciative and grateful. What do you appreciate in your life? A wonderful family, a rewarding job, amazing friends, great neighbors, a nice home, that you found my website? If you appreciate what you have in your life, then you will truly be happy, regardless of how wealthy you are. Try asking 3 people each day what they are grateful for. Just asking makes people think in that direction.
• Speak joyfully and kindly. People act differently depending on who they around. You will be reserved around a serious person. You will feel relaxed and happy around a joyful person. Be that joyful person! Before you do anything such as washing the dishes, you can say, “I will now joyfully wash this dish.” Say it for each one! It’s a lot of fun in front of a mirror. If you are doing something, then at least enjoy it!
• What emotional state do you want? Do you want to be enthusiastic now? Or relaxed? Just thinking about the emotional state you want will remind you of memories of that state. You can spontaneously become enthusiastic. The more you practice, the quicker and more intense the states will be. If you were excited right now, how would you act and speak? External actions affect you internally. Being relaxed and happy will help you learn, think creatively, and remember. Everyone has a hard time remembering when they feel stressed.

You can only think one thought at a time. If something happens that gets you down, you don’t need to cheer yourself up – just interrupt the flow of negative thoughts.

• Focus on the solution. Instead of blaming or complaining about the problem, focus on the solution. When you take responsibility to fix something, that means you think it can be fixed, that you feel empowered . Consider what you want to happen, and work towards that goal.
• Assume the situation is good in some way. Even if it looks bad, negatively thinking only makes it worse! Think about what you can learn from the event. How can it help you grow as a person? Are there any hidden opportunities? In the long run, is it really so terrible? Have you heard “in the future, you will look back and laugh at this.”? Well, try it right now!
• If a person does something that seems negative , try to consider it from a positive perspective. Put yourself in their place – what would you want others to think? Don’t judge others negatively, it will start a string of negative thinking.

You can upgrade your thinking. It may take a while, but the time passes anyway. It will really improve your life.
Personally, for the past year I have been very focused on the solution. Asking “what’s the next action?” works wonders.

Go do something “joyfully”! Try it for anything and everything. It’s fun!

This post is part of a 5 post series about how your thoughts affect your world. View: one, two, three, four, five.

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• Overwhelming. Tell them where to start. Use a reverse calendar – break the work into smaller steps with their own due date. Large projects seem overwhelming, but small pieces don’t.
  
• Perfectionism. Many people view any fault in their work as a reflection off their faults. Tell them that it doesn’t need to be perfect – perhaps you just need a rough start.
  
• Criticism. Everyone hates being criticized. If people are concerned about criticism, they will be anxious about the work and won’t be as creative or resourceful. Everyone loves sincere praise, so heap it on. Don’t criticize – if you must offer suggestions, praise them first and tell them how to make it even better.

Don’t just do this for others – notice what makes you anxious and apply these ideas!

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