No video? View the video about releasing here.

Summary of the questions:
Could you allow yourself to experience the current emotion?
Could you let it go? (If not, could you hold on to it?)
Would you let it go?
When?
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Basically, when you recognize something is wrong – you made a bad decision, are in some negative cycle that you haven’t pulled yourself out of, recognize your motivation is waning, etc – your brain does the most UNHELPFUL thing – it makes you feel bad (or worse, depending on where you are starting from) about it.

Realizing that was true was quite a shock. See, when you feel bad… it kinda zaps your energy to make improvements.

Now once you recognize the patterns in your brain… you can decide to just set it free. To release it, to let it go. And once you stop feeling bad about making bad decisions or about.. feeling bad, you can start making better decisions and feeling good rather than wallowing.

Are you having negative reactions to the negativity in your life? Just drop it. Allow yourself to feel good… and feel the relief.
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If you are looking for a job or how you can help others, then you are probably focusing on their lack or on your knowledge. “What are they missing, or what do I know that can help?”
While that is nice, there is a much better (and fulfilling) way: ask “What am I really good at?”
After leaving Egypt, when collecting supplies for the Mishkan (the traveling Temple) the princes were looked down upon for saying “we will handle whatever is left over”. They should have given their best. So don’t ask “what’s left to do?” Rather, ask “What can I do really well?”

Whatever it is that you do really well, you probably do automatically. In Is Your Genius at Work? Dick Richards says that everyone has a core process – a way that they process all information, naturally. Mine has to do with seeing possibilities and potential for expansion. It just happens naturally: if the conversation turns to business, I start coming up with ideas to market better and provide more value, automatically.

Stop trying to “fix” all the natural ways that you act. Stop developing competencies merely because you think that they will get you a better job. Unless the way you act is downright harmful, find a way to harness it to help you. Instead of developing a weak skill, focus on what you automatically and naturally do well – and become amazing at it. That’s really what makes you unique – the tools that G-D put in you, not the things that you learn. So focus on your strengths and inclinations, and develop them.

(StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath is a test that will identify your top strengths, which probably fuel your core process.)

What are your strengths? When do you use them? Can you tell the difference in your energy and results when you aren’t using them? Come discuss it in the forum!

p.s. It seems the page with the list of recommended books was inaccessible until just now – view it here: Recommended Books

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The phrase “but we have always done it that way!” truly maddens me. It basically means “I’m too lazy to think about it.” I ask “why?” very often. The answer to “why?” always makes a difference. Here are some possibilities that the answer leads you to:

• You don’t need to do this action at all (news)
• Different or additional actions produce better results (learning)
• You can do the same action better once you understand the reason (davening, working)

Taking action without knowing why is poor planning. It can be a waste of energy (news), it could be done much better (learning), or you can be going in the wrong direction (work).

Why do you read the news? If it’s to be “informed”, you may want to question if that is worth your time and the probability of inappropriate material. If something meaningful happens, you will hear about it. If you feel you must, you can look at just major headlines and get 80% of the real news. The media business exists to sell itself, so there is no surprise that there is little or no meaningful substance.

If you want to relax and be entertained, then perhaps there are less violent – and more relaxing ways – than hearing about murder, explosion, and anti-Semitism.

Why are you learning a sefer – what are you trying to accomplish? For a mussar sefer, you may want to know how to improve your emunah, or how to combat the yetzer harah. Write down your questions. Focus on them as you learn. When you actually focus on what you are trying to learn, it has a much deeper impact. It makes you curious. It makes the learning personal and relevant.

Why do you daven? If it’s to increase your relationship with Hashem, then recognize you are having a conversation and talking to Hashem. If it’s “to judge oneself / to clarify for oneself” then pay particular attention to the hashkafic implications of the words in davening. You don’t need to go very far – it’s quite explicit.

Why do you work? As Jews, we understand that we don’t MAKE money. Hashem determined how much we will earn at the beginning of the year, and if Hashem doesn’t want us to make more money – we won’t.

• One approach is that it’s a test – an opportunity to test your character. Rambam says that teshuvah isn’t complete until you are put into the same situation again and act correctly. The thoughts aren’t enough, it has to be actualized. You may think you are honest, but it isn’t “real” until you are put in a tempting situation and overcome it. With this firmly in mind (not easy), you will be unfailingly honest in business. Trying to cheat or be dishonest to make more money won’t accomplish anything. In Garden of Emunah, there is a story of a poor person who hoped that he would get some money in the mail for Yom Tov. When he saw the mailman, he eyed an envelope that looked like it had money and grabbed it from him. The mailman called for the police, who arrested the poor person. It turned out that the letter was actually addressed to him! If he would have just waited patiently, he would have gotten what was rightfully his without the struggle of dealing with the police. Work is continuous test of emunah – to do your work in a Torah-approved fashion and avoid any temptation for dishonesty.

• Another approach is that work is an outlet for chesed. When the Chofetz Chaim visited an inn, he was served very kindly and nicely by the owner. When they left, the Chofetz Chaim told his travelling companion “the owner was a real baal chesed – look at how well we were treated!”

His companion said – “But he got paid for it! Why are you calling him a baal chesed?”

The Chofetz Chaim replied, “You can see by the way he acted that he wasn’t doing it for the money. The money is only so that he can keep running the inn.” (To help keep this website running, please consider donating.)

In this approach, focus on how you can help people when you work. Your boss, co-workers, employees, customers, clients – be kind, be helpful, be cheerful – don’t merely do your job with a blank face. Chesed is even better than tzedaka – you can even do it for rich people, and you can even do it while being paid!

•  A third approach is that work is to prevent people from using their time to sin. If you would use your time appropriately – learning, chesed, working on your middos – then you wouldn’t need to work at all.

Ask “Why?“! Generally, people do everything just because that’s the way everyone else does it or the way it has always been done. Question everything you do. Should I be doing this at all? Should I be doing something else? Can I be doing it better? Don’t just blindly act, think!
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When something is 100% clear that you must do it now, then you do it. The same for the opposite – if it is 100% clear that the loss is greater than the gain, you won’t do it.

If you are in a rush to cross the street, you won’t jump in front of a truck that you know will hit you. It isn’t discipline to hold yourself back – you don’t have a reasonable choice – it is just so blindingly obvious.

When you have to turn in an essay the next day, and it is 10pm at night, I expect you would have at least started. If you think you can do it the next day – e.g. you may have time the next morning, you are expecting a snow day, the teacher has been out sick, then you may procrastinate a bit more. If it isn’t clear that you must do it now, then you have given yourself an excuse.

If you ever considered speaking lashon harah or onaas devarim (damaging with words, e.g. making fun of or insulting another person. Both are unfortunately quite common.) then perhaps you aren’t 100% convinced that this is actually asur, or perhaps the overall concept of an aveirah doesn’t have proper significance to you. How real is punishment to you? If you viewed speaking lashon harah like jumping in front of a moving truck, then you wouldn’t need any discipline.

While you should use discipline to stop yourself, realize that there is a deeper issue – why did you even consider this action in the first place? Instead of trying to merely overcome the obstacle, look for the root cause. Generally, there is a doubt: is this really worth the effort? Can’t I do it later? Is it really asur? Is the concept of punishment for aveiros something I have integrated, or do I just pay lip service to it?

Yes, using discipline should overcome the issue – eventually, and perhaps with many setbacks. Over time, the correct way of acting will become your self-image and a habit. But that may take quite a long time and remain superficial. Attack the root. Find what the deeper problem is.

When you find and fix the deeper issue, you will probably see this was just one symptom. When you delve deeper, your positive changes can have a much broader impact. Get more bang for your buck when you are working on yourself. Why treat the symptom, when you can treat the cause? 

Why are you resisting doing the right thing? Make the right choice so blindlingly obvious… that you no longer have a choice.
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In yesterday’s post I mentioned that most people can figure out what they want to do with their life, right now, without any more information or experience. I think deep inside you know, but most people haven’t given themselves permission to let it out. You may think it is just a fantasy, not believing that it is possible for a number of reasons: you don’t think you can do it, it’s not possible at all, or it’s not financially feasible.

However, I think it is rather silly to kill the idea of what you really want to do with your life before you even speak it out. You can at least do something towards what you want, on a smaller scale. Also, once you speak it out, your idea may not be so daunting. Even if it is, nearly anything is possible if you are willing to put in the time and effort. In short, don’t kill the idea before it even sees the light of day!

These questions should help you express what exactly you are interested in, by getting you around those limiting criteria. Use these questions to help you brainstorm and dream a little!

•          What would you do if you were guaranteed that you couldn’t fail?
•          If you had 100 million dollars, how would you like to spend your time?

Answering these questions aloud or by writing – it forces clarity. When brainstormings, keep producing ideas without pausing, and don’t judge ideas until you finish. Don’t kill the idea about what really interests you before it even comes out of your mouth!

You may have lots of societal norms and expectations floating in your head that may cause you to answer that you want to become a ceo, be rich, live in a huge mansion, or travel around the world. Yey, yey, but then what? Or, why? What do you want to do as a CEO, a doctor, or a roshei yeshivah? When you find the core reason, you can approach it in a much more flexible way. If you want to save people as a doctor, you may question if that means only physically, or spiritually and mentally also, and may expand or find something that actually better suites your goal.

What do you really care about?
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Most people can figure out a direction for their life if they ever stop to think about it. However, many people have told me that they have no idea – so how can they make a plan?

My answer: plan to make a plan. You must have a destination you are trying to reach. If not, then your destination should be “figure out what destination I want to reach”. This plan is something that you do, not just sitting around. Plan to do whatever you need to do so that you can make a plan for life. What is holding you back? If you don’t have enough information about what your strengths, passions, and interests are, then find out! If you don’t have enough experience, then go get some – explore anything that interest you. Don’t sit there, go do something!

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” –  Theodore Roosevelt

Don’t be afraid that your plan isn’t perfect – it doesn’t neet to be. The point of the plan is that it makes you take action. Once you start taking action, you get results, which will help you determine if this is something meaningful to you or not. If not, you can quickly move on – plans help things move faster.

What’s stopping you from making plans? Make a plan to overcome it!

For more about the importance of and how to set goals, listen to podcast #8.
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But you generally resist it. It is hardly an enjoyable experience.

As much as you put in the effort, you may wish you weren’t there. That’s hardly conducive to doing your best! Just check most classrooms and work environments. America is spending more money than ever on education but getting worse results than before. It isn’t just about technical expertise of the teacher or the material.

What if you are excited about something? What happens when you jump into a project that looks interesting? Start learning a sugya or a book because it sparked your fancy or is immediately applicable?

It hardly seems like work and happens rather quickly. Your energy level jumps through the roof. You want to keep putting in time and effort. If you care about something, you will use much more of your resources willingly- both physical and mental. You put in more energy than you are required to. You will think about it even when you don’t need to. That’s what getting your heart involved does. There is no comparison between someone that enjoys what he is doing and someone who is just doing it because he has to.

Certain things energize us. We don’t have a fixed amount of energy for each day – some things that are objectively “work” can be incredibly stimulating and enjoyable. We may be tired but will perk up and put lots of effort into them.

The power of being interested, passionate, or simply caring is amazing. I notice a HUGE difference between something that I feel strongly about or find very worthwhile compared to just something on my to-do list. Passion pours on the energy and helps you overcome procrastination, lack of energy, and doubts. Organizations prefer volunteers rather than paid workers because you can only hire someone’s body. You can’t hire their heart and their mind, which is what a person volunteers.

Because of this idea, the Netziv said to learn what interests you. R’ Hutner says that isn’t just a nice idea, but that this is the way to learn. When we follow what we feel attracted to – such as which sefer in tanach to learn or what type of job – we are happier, put in more time and more effort. We improve our skill, and that makes it easier and more satisfying. It starts a tremendous upward spiral!

What percentage of people in school, work, or learning do you see enjoying themselves?

When R’ Yaakov was asked how he pushed himself to learn so much, he responded: “If you knew how much pleasure I got from learning, you wouldn’t be asking that question.” He clearly put his heart into his learning, and didn’t just regard it as “something he had to do.”

Don’t let your learning or growth be routine. Find what you feel strongly about and throw yourself into it. Your learning, your middos, anything! To really give something all your efforts, you have to be emotionally invested in it. You have to care. You may be learning gemara, but feel you should be focusing on Rashi. So focus on Rashi! You don’t need to leave the group – just have your own reasons for putting in more energy.

How do you relate to your schedule now: “Another boring day” or “Yey! Fun, interesting things!”? What do you care about?
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