If you flick the light switch but it doesn’t go on, do you keep flicking it back and forth? I hope you would quickly realize that you should look for another problem.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

(See my podcast on Doing Things Differently.)

The answer I have often heard is to choose something small to work on, and then halve it. And then to halve it again. That way you will have something that will stick. I know I am far more ambitious than most people, but doesn’t that sound like a tiny goal to set for you entire year of growth? The Vilna Gaon said that if we aren’t working on improving our character traits, then what is the point of living?

It isn’t because you are trying for something too large, or that you can’t grow that much at once, but because the only thing you have changed is your commitment. In the secular world, it is called a New Year’s Resolution – something that you resolve to do – focusing on discipline. Focusing on discipline only helps short term. After a few days, all the problems mentioned before start up again. Trying to discipline yourself more when you haven’t improved your discipline won’t help you. “This year I am really going to improve my davening!” will yield the same results as last year! You don’t need a Rosh Hashanah Resolution, you need a Rosh Hashanah Plan!

A few days ago, I wrote about 3 Critical Steps To Pursuing Growth, which I encourage you to read (print it if you don’t have time now). Those are critical steps, and while they may be enough for working on character traits, they aren’t enough for something like scheduling more learning time.

Just because it’s Rosh Hashanah doesn’t mean you can magically add an hour of learning to your schedule! There is a reason (or many!) you haven’t done the learning until now, and you have to overcome all of them. You need a plan to overcome any reasons that may stop you from reaching your new goal.

Take out a piece of paper and list all the possible obstacles to making this happen, including any reasons why it hasn’t worked in the past. They may include not having time, being unsure of where to learn, not knowing who learn with, or things coming up that seem urgent. This list will be unique to you.

Now, what will you do to make it different this year? Address each obstacle. If you don’t know, ask a friend, your spouse, or daven for inspiration. You don’t need to know that it will work, but you need a new approach. After trying for a few days, you may find a better way.

Some things that may help:
• Find a partner to hold you accountable.
• Schedule your learning early in the morning so nothing can come up to derail it.
• Choose something you want to learn.

Go do something right now! Give your partner a call, and schedule your first time. Go ahead and blame me, tell him you read an article that said not to wait until you saw him next. Visit the bookstore and buy whatever you will need.

Don’t rely on your motivation to last – leverage it. Use it to make commitments to others you won’t want to break. Use it to disrupt old patterns and to start new ones. Use your motivation to set up the environment to push you to keep going. Once you do it for 30 days, it will hardly seem as hard as it did in the beginning.

If there has been a lot of resistance in the past, don’t just find ways to overcome obstacles, obliterate them with overwhelming force. Take your actions to the next level. If this problem (e.g., not getting out to learn) were a fly, what would be a sledgehammer? Perhaps… commit to teaching a class, ask the Rabbi for a learning session so you will feel worse about cancelling, tell your learning partner that you will give him $20 if you miss. Be creative – and set that up NOW. Leverage your motivation!

Rosh Hashanah isn’t just that yearly time to guilt us into doing something. Rosh Hashanah is an amazing opportunity to daven for help. Go into Rosh Hashanah with a smile on your face and tell Hashem (your loving father) that you actually have a plan this year and you just want some help.

Of course, if anyone asks why you seem so happy, don’t hesitate to tell them to about this blog. In fact, you should probably sign up so you can get updates by email, to keep you thinking about growing.
Have you decided what to focus on and made a plan? If not now, when? -Hillel

p.s. I encourage you to send this post with a link, or just the link, to your friends. Show them you really care!
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What Exactly Are You Trying To Accomplish?

The more clearly you know where you are heading, the easier you can pursue it. If you want to become a nicer person, you must have a real, tangible idea of what that means to you. Ultimately, any growth opportunity will change our thoughts, feeling, words, and actions. Abstract ideas are hard to grasp because they aren’t related to a physical, concrete thing. If you can’t understand it, how can you act it? Take your goal – for example becoming a nicer person – and make it more tangible. What would your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions be when you reach your goal? Take inspiration from all that you have read and any people in particular that you know. Use your imagination to get a tangible idea of what you are reaching for.

Some examples:  
• Thoughts - What will I be thinking when I see another person, or during a conversation? “How can I help him?” or “What can I do to make him feel more comfortable?” are both good thoughts.
• Feelings - How do I want to feel? “ahavta lireacha kimocha – love your friend like yourself ” seems particularly apt. What does love feel like to you? Recall loving or empathetic moments with family and feel the same emotions now.
• Words - What words will I use? “Good morning!”, “I hope you are doing well!”, “Thank you!”, “That was great!”, “Go for it!” all sound very appropriate.
• Actions - How will I act? Will I hold open the door for people? Smile and wave enthusiastically? Say “Good morning!” to everyone I walk by?

This may seem inauthentic to you. “OK, I should smile at people. But how do I really become a nicer person?” If you think how nice people think and do what nice people do, then you are a nice person. The Ramchal says that your external actions affect you inside – acting like a nicer person makes you a nicer person. With repetition, the actions and thoughts become part of your personality. The Rambam says if you are trying to work on any trait, go to the extreme of what you are aiming for. This helps remove all the shortcuts in your brain that reinforce the old behavior.

Finding Motivation

You may feel raring to go work on your growth opportunity. If you don’t, think of why you should be! It’s great to be motivated today, but how do you make the excitement last?
Find the reasons why you are excited, and why you could be excited, and keep reminding yourself. You may want to ask other people for ideas. You are a salesperson trying to convince yourself to pursue this growth. What is so great about this goal? What are the benefits? Write as many as possible! Having powerful reasons will keep you going.

One of my next areas to focus on is thinking appreciatively and gratefully (one of Rabbi Pliskin’s 9 Happiness Principles from Conversations With Yourself.)
The motivation for this shouldn’t be too hard. It will cause happiness. Happiness also leads to better learning (mitzvah!), accomplishing more, and better health (mitzvah!). I will be thanking everyone around me for their help, so everyone involved with me will feel more positive (mitzvah!) and want to help me more.
Wow, that sounds amazing!

Continuous Thought

If you forget about being a nicer person, or you forget to remind yourself of how great it would be, it won’t help you at all. You can spend as little as 5 minutes a day with this great way to keep yourself reminded.

Get a notebook (or anything!) and write:
• A short summary of what you trying to achieve (“Be a nicer person”)
• The best reasons why it is important to you (“I love seeing other people smile!”)
• The longer explanation (the thoughts, feelings, words, and actions)

Every morning and every night right before sleep, enthusiastically or joyously read what you are trying to achieve and why. The emotion really locks in what you are working on. Picture yourself acting the way you want to think, feel, say, and do. In the morning, write some ideas for how you can apply this today. At night, reflect on the day and see how you succeeded and what you would do differently next time. At the very least, rewrite the goal. The more time and emotion you put into reviewing your goals, the faster your progress will be.

For most people, the only way to make sure you do this review is to put the notebook on your pillow and not go to sleep until you spend the few minutes reviewing. In the morning, don’t leave until you do the review. Each 2-minute review gets your brain involved for many hours! Reviewing at night lets your brain work on the idea the whole night!

Final Thoughts

Plans never survive their first encounter with the real world. Look for what works, and what might work better next time towards achieving your goal. Celebrate any success to keep you motivated to keep working!
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If you are working on character traits – e.g. mindfulness, kindness, empathy, joy, gratitude, or enthusiasm – you don’t need to set aside time to work on them. (Although journaling about the trait, reading about it, or doing a meditation could certainly be helpful!) You just need to focus on them when doing your everyday activities. Isn’t that the overall goal – to have that trait in all your activities?

You can repeat “joy” in an upbeat tone of voice while you are washing the dishes, walking, or doing anything else. Repurpose that “lost time” when you would normally defocus or let your thoughts wander. Do this during spare moments and watch it carry over all your activities!

You may only have a vague idea of what kind of person you want to be or how you want to improve. Choose a trait you want to improve, and think how your normal days would be different. Would you speak differently, talk differently, or think differently?

Choose a trait and start acting it!
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Like everyone else, you probably answered yes. Look at that question again: “…cause stress”- If outside events cause stress, that means you don’t have control. Do you want to be at the mercy of outside events?

You don’t have to! You may think if everyone was nice to you, or things went your way, you would be happy. But something based externally is fragile. If something goes wrong, you won’t be happy. Other people can’t give you true, lasting happiness. You may think that if you were rich, you wouldn’t have to worry about money. However, rich people get to worry about theft, natural disasters, the sinking economy, and people being nice only because of their money. The money won’t give you peace of mind. True happiness and peace of mind come from within. If your feelings rely on something external, then your feeling are beyond your control. Do you like not having control? Has it been working out well so far?

Here’s the key: the external events or situations don’t matter. Everything that happens is just a fact. Something happened. The way you view the situation determines how you feel. You can control how you view it. Being worry-free is about not worrying, not about anything external.

Your thoughts determine how you feel and how you act. Your past thoughts don’t need to hold you back. You can choose what to think NOW. You can direct your thoughts to a more empowered way of thinking. The more control you realize you have, the more control you will have.

This post is part of a 5 post series about how your thoughts affect your world. View: one, two, three, four, five.
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