“There are two things to aim at in life; first to get what you want, and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind has achieved the second.” - Logan Pearsall Smith

There are a LOT of “successful” people – high power careers, massive salaries, gigantic houses, nice cars – or for those younger: nearly perfect grades, a full roster of extra curricular activities perfect for their college admission. They seem to have it made.

But are they happy? Do they enjoy what they have? Or have they just traded “success” for a lot of stress and hardly seeing their family? It’s quite nice to get what you have been striving for – but what happens then? Do you enjoy it, or do you relentlessly push on to the next level barely acknowledging what you have accomplished? This isn’t to say you can’t be successful and enjoy it – there are many who do – but you have to do it on purpose. Those who are relentlessly focused on doing better often don’t focus on enjoying and appreciating how far they have come.

There is no stopping point. By the time you “make it” you may finally realize that you will never reach the point that you are ultimately satisfied – once we reach a goal, we see something even better to try for.

So when do you enjoy what you have? Not at the end – the entire time. Enjoy the process, the feeling that you are doing better and moving towards a worthy goal. It’s a shame to spend 4 days climbing up Mt. Everest only to spend 1 hour there enjoying the view.

“Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal.” - Earl Nightingale

While you may be focused on increasing what you can accomplish and working on your productivity, remember to stay balanced and enjoy it, too. You may find a funny thing happening – when you enjoy the journey, you will end up travelling better.

Take a look at where you are in your life. What can you enjoy, right now?
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If you are looking for a job or how you can help others, then you are probably focusing on their lack or on your knowledge. “What are they missing, or what do I know that can help?”
While that is nice, there is a much better (and fulfilling) way: ask “What am I really good at?”
After leaving Egypt, when collecting supplies for the Mishkan (the traveling Temple) the princes were looked down upon for saying “we will handle whatever is left over”. They should have given their best. So don’t ask “what’s left to do?” Rather, ask “What can I do really well?”

Whatever it is that you do really well, you probably do automatically. In Is Your Genius at Work? Dick Richards says that everyone has a core process – a way that they process all information, naturally. Mine has to do with seeing possibilities and potential for expansion. It just happens naturally: if the conversation turns to business, I start coming up with ideas to market better and provide more value, automatically.

Stop trying to “fix” all the natural ways that you act. Stop developing competencies merely because you think that they will get you a better job. Unless the way you act is downright harmful, find a way to harness it to help you. Instead of developing a weak skill, focus on what you automatically and naturally do well – and become amazing at it. That’s really what makes you unique – the tools that G-D put in you, not the things that you learn. So focus on your strengths and inclinations, and develop them.

(StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath is a test that will identify your top strengths, which probably fuel your core process.)

What are your strengths? When do you use them? Can you tell the difference in your energy and results when you aren’t using them? Come discuss it in the forum!

p.s. It seems the page with the list of recommended books was inaccessible until just now – view it here: Recommended Books

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However, it just doesn’t work. If you have a short burst of energy and make loads of decisions and plan out how you want things to be… you rarely carry through on any of them. In fact, there is an inverse proportion: the more things you focus on, the less you accomplish.

The question to answer is – what are you currently working on?

You may have a large list of things to work on – improving your davening, your learning, diet, productivity, spending time with your family, etc. Notice how you have tried to work on them all, and made little (if any) improvement – because you were focusing on them all! 

Unfortunately, you just can’t focus on too many things at once. We tend to get sucked into the way things are and changing them takes time – but worse, it takes attention. When you try to move your attention to 5 new things… it just doesn’t work – tafasta merubah lo tafasta – if you grab too much, you end up with nothing.

So choose the focus that would make the biggest difference or is the most pressing – and throw yourself into it.

Correct, you need to do this horrible thing that signifies some level of maturity – saying yes to one thing, to the exclusion of others. But that’s better than saying no to everything!

Please share your reaction – and your current focus, if you would like to share – in the forums. I would love to hear from you!
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According to scientific studies, our brain never shuts off. When you are in REM sleep, you have vivid experiences and when awoken from them, can recall at least some of it. But even in slow-wave sleep, when awoken, people in studies were able to describe what they were just thinking about.

When I woke up this morning, I caught the end of a seemingly large discussion about marketing online – a topic I had read a lot about in the past few weeks, and seriously started working on yesterday. This wasn’t a dream, but a complex back and forth discussion – I heard the words.

One of the theories about sleep is that it lets our brain sort out our memories. It is very common to have a dream about things that happened that day. Often, people wake up and are clear about a decision they have to make. I am sure you have heard of the recommendation to “to sleep on it” regarding a tough decision. Your brain thinks about things – and comes to a decision on them – while you sleep. Generally, it is a feeling that pushes towards or away from a certain choice.

If you ever wonder where your emotional preferences come from, it may come from decisions made while you sleep. It is scary that some of our behavior is decided while we sleep – but also very helpful – because we can “pre-program” our brain about what to think about, and how to do it.

Our brain processes what we have seen or thought about during the day, especially things that hit us emotionally. If you read or hear the news about financial difficulty, deaths, silly celebrities, or get caught up in a fight with someone – then your brain will keep thinking about them at night. It will pull you in that direction. If you think about things that bother you – and your brain keeps thinking about them – you can wake up very depressed, and not even know why.

On a computer, the rule is that garbage in, garbage out – the computer returns the same kind of information that you put in, it is unable to improve the quality. The same with our brain – if you put in news about tragedies, then you get tragedy. If you put in problems, then you wake up worried. However, if you put in tear-filled tehillim to Hashem (Psalms to G-D), then you get out a closer connection to Hashem. If you ask yourself how to solve a problem, you may wake up with the answer.

Your brain tends to focus on the most recent, most lasting, most emotional memories – they get “extra processing time”. Choose what you put your attention on – especially right before going to sleep.

Review a Torah or mussar (spiritual growth) concept that speaks to you right before you go to sleep and you may wake up a new person!
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If you don’t see a play button, click here.
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In R’ Pliskin’s book Enthusiasm, he mentioned one reason to be enthusiastic is because it is contagious. I got a real kick out of the idea of being enthusiastic for others, and I was more enthusiastic for many days. That was about 3 months ago – I haven’t thought about that idea since. It doesn’t really take me any effort. There is no planning. But I have to remember, or the idea doesn’t help me.

It takes time and effort to choose a goal, such as not speaking lashon harah (true slander).

Next you have to figure out how. If you know the halachos, then don’t say it. You may think of some awkward situations that will come up – so determine a “cover story” now, and visualize to practice it, so that you won’t feel weird using it.

Ultimately, it comes down to noticing yourself and remembering your goal to not say lashon harah. If you don’t notice it, all the discipline in the world won’t help you.

People may try something like checking what you said after each conversation, or wearing your watch on a different arm. Another way to sensitize yourself is by reading a chapter of Guard Your Tongue or The Power of Words from R’ Pliskin each day. (Even if you already read it – the point isn’t the material. But a new book would be better.) But often, we forget or stop being reminded.

What you need to do is remind yourself and actually connect with it, every day. I have 10 post it notes in front of my computer, where I sit and work. They have inspiring messages or ideas that I am currently focusing on. Every week or so, I pull off or consolidate some old ones. But truthfully, I don’t pay attention to them most of the time. I definitely see them, but I never NOTICE them. It might help some people to put post it notes around their work or home, to remind them of what to focus on, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. My attention is too focused on other things to really notice.

What does help me is making it a habit – a set time or point in your schedule – to actually NOTICE and CARE about my goals. If you don’t care about your goal, then – who cares?! If it doesn’t matter to you, then how are you going to convince yourself to put in the effort? What you need to do is CARE, every day about your goals and what you are trying to achieve. “Because lashon harah is something I should stop saying” doesn’t usually cut it. “Because I lose all my olam habah each time I speak any lashon harah” sounds more helpful. But even as I write those words, it doesn’t emotionally hit me. Stopping for a moment and visualizing all the mitzvos from the day – all the brachos, the learning torah, the kind deeds being deposited in your bank account (ka-ching! ka-ching!! ka-ching!!!) And then saying a few true words and – “POOF!” All gone! The words don’t help – but actually visualizing that gets to me. If you don’t actually CARE about your goal – and keep NOTICING and emotionally feel it, you will be neglecting a major motivational force. Ultimately, you will just forget.

Make it a HABIT to CARE each night about your goal before sleep and/or each morning, or some other set time. Reading isn’t enough – you have to connect emotionally with it. I find the morning and night is easiest because you can actually pause and think. In the afternoon, with the craziness of the day it’s much harder to stop. The most important part is that it becomes a habit. If you stop doing it after two days, the best reasons to care won’t help you at all! One idea is to put it a notebook on top of your pillow. Don’t go to sleep until you have actively cared about your goals. Another is a powerpoint slideshow – with pictures and phrases that speak to you- that you watch at the start of your day/workday and at the end. Instead of letting media brainwash you with cute (or gruesome) pictures, brainwash yourself. (Is it still called brainwashing if you do it to yourself? Sounds more like taking control of your life.)

We aren’t supposed to be robots – ivdu es Hashem bisimcha – serve Hashem with joy. We are supposed to relate to Hashem as our Father – we should have ahavas Hashem – love Hashem. Your emotions are an integral part of your life as a Jew. Consider a servant who grudgingly serves his master, and one who jumps up energetically out of love (or fear). Which one does a better job? Connect to the emotions and let them drive you to grow!

How are you trying to grow? Why do you care? Reconnect, emotionally, every day!
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