November 18th, 2008 
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Do you have deep values that govern your actions? For example, do you try to practice “ahavta lireacha kimocha - love your fellow as yourself” in all your interactions with people?
Most people just react or do what they have to do, like a robot. It is just monotony. However, helping a client because that is your job, and helping a client because you care for them are worlds apart!
We strive to keep the whole Torah, but going out of our way to focus on a few aspects - especially ones that have deep meaning to us - causes us to put in much more effort. Many core middos and mitzvos pervade our lives. We can align every action we do to a mitzvah such as loving others. We passively live all these values, but to ACTIVELY live a few - to constantly check that our actions match, to ask how we can do better - that yields tremendous growth.
What do you value most? What middos are you working on, or hope to embody? How are you trying to be a better eved Hashem? It could be being more grateful to Hashem (brachos) and other peorle, sensitivity to other’s feelings, love for your family, discipline in your actions, helping people as much as possible - there are 238 positive mitzvos and many positive character traits. Which ones resonate with you most?
You should get excited to find some clarity about how to align your actions and what matters most to you, but that is where the work starts. R’ Tatz says in Living Inspired that we get inspired by something new, as a gift from Hashem to help us in the right direction, but it soon fizzles out. I notice this pattern constantly. Hashem gives us booster rockets, they get you far with a large energy burst. However, to reach the destination - for the growth to be lasting - you have to put in the effort to constantly think and live those values. Take time out each day - in the morning before you get caught up in the day, and also before you go to sleep, to connect with what matters most to you. See how you can follow the values better.
Step back, constantly. What matters most to you? What are you doing that doesn’t fit - how can you fix it? What could you be doing to follow it better?
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November 16th, 2008 Email This Post
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Podcast #11- Attention Management [3:34m]:
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I am sure you have heard of time management, but have you heard of attention management?
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November 13th, 2008 Email This Post
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Do you know why you daven? Or why you eat? Are they just habits since childhood, or do you actually have a reason that you do them?
The phrase “but we have always done it that way!” truly maddens me. It basically means “I’m too lazy to think about it.” I ask “why?” very often. The answer to “why?” always makes a difference. Here are some possibilities that the answer leads you to:
- You don’t need to do this action at all (news)
- Different or additional actions produce better results (learning)
- You can do the same action better once you understand the reason (davening, working)
Taking action without knowing why is poor planning. It can be a waste of energy (news), it could be done much better (learning), or you can be going in the wrong direction (work).
Why do you read the news? If it’s to be “informed”, you may want to question if that is worth your time and the probability of inappropriate material. If something meaningful happens, you will hear about it. If you feel you must, you can look at just major headlines and get 80% of the real news. The media business exists to sell itself, so there is no surprise that there is little or no meaningful substance.
If you want to relax and be entertained, then perhaps there are less violent - and more relaxing ways - than hearing about murder, explosion, and anti-Semitism.
Why are you learning a sefer - what are you trying to accomplish? For a mussar sefer, you may want to know how to improve your emunah, or how to combat the yetzer harah. Write down your questions. Focus on them as you learn. When you actually focus on what you are trying to learn, it has a much deeper impact. It makes you curious. It makes the learning personal and relevant.
Why do you daven? If it’s to increase your relationship with Hashem, then recognize you are having a conversation and talking to Hashem. If it’s “to judge oneself / to clarify for oneself” then pay particular attention to the hashkafic implications of the words in davening. You don’t need to go very far - it’s quite explicit.
Why do you work? As Jews, we understand that we don’t MAKE money. Hashem determined how much we will earn at the beginning of the year, and if Hashem doesn’t want us to make more money - we won’t.
- One approach is that it’s a test - an opportunity to test your character. Rambam says that teshuvah isn’t complete until you are put into the same situation again and act correctly. The thoughts aren’t enough, it has to be actualized. You may think you are honest, but it isn’t “real” until you are put in a tempting situation and overcome it. With this firmly in mind (not easy), you will be unfailingly honest in business. Trying to cheat or be dishonest to make more money won’t accomplish anything. In Garden of Emunah, there is a story of a poor person who hoped that he would get some money in the mail for Yom Tov. When he saw the mailman, he eyed an envelope that looked like it had money and grabbed it from him. The mailman called for the police, who arrested the poor person. It turned out that the letter was actually addressed to him! If he would have just waited patiently, he would have gotten what was rightfully his without the struggle of dealing with the police. Work is continuous test of emunah - to do your work in a Torah-approved fashion and avoid any temptation for dishonesty.
- Another approach is that work is an outlet for chesed. When the Chofetz Chaim visited an inn, he was served very kindly and nicely by the owner. When they left, the Chofetz Chaim told his travelling companion “the owner was a real baal chesed - look at how well we were treated!”
His companion said - “But he got paid for it! Why are you calling him a baal chesed?”
The Chofetz Chaim replied, “You can see by the way he acted that he wasn’t doing it for the money. The money is only so that he can keep running the inn.” (To help keep this website running, please consider donating.)
In this approach, focus on how you can help people when you work. Your boss, co-workers, employees, customers, clients - be kind, be helpful, be cheerful - don’t merely do your job with a blank face. Chesed is even better than tzedaka - you can even do it for rich people, and you can even do it while being paid!
- A third approach is that work is to prevent people from using their time to sin. If you would use your time appropriately - learning, chesed, working on your middos - then you wouldn’t need to work at all.
Ask “Why?“! Generally, people do everything just because that’s the way everyone else does it or the way it has always been done. Question everything you do. Should I be doing this at all? Should I be doing something else? Can I be doing it better? Don’t just blindly act, think!
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November 11th, 2008 Email This Post
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Most people define optimism and pessimism as your expectation for the future. If you consistently think that things will work out the way you hope, you are said be optimistic. If you consistently think they won’t, you are said to be pessimistic. Optimism and pessimism are merely explanatory patterns - the way that you explain or predict events. Most people haven’t chosen an explanatory pattern, they just accept whatever their brain tells them first - usually on the pessimistic side.
Often, your views are self-fulfilling, especially if they refer to something under your control - “whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are probably right.”
If you think pessimistically, you won’t fully commit yourself. For example, if you have a job interview, your doubt will impact the way you stand, sit, and talk - however slightly. If you think that you won’t be able to learn this piece of gemara, you will stop short and just give up. Why would you commit yourself if you don’t expect it to help? This often causes the pessimistic view to be self-fulfilling. If you expect something bad to happen, you can always find something to be annoyed about.
On the other hand, thinking optimistically motivates you to put in more effort to get the result you are aiming for. If you are working on anger, but are having a difficult time, then optimism will get you to keep trying. A pessimist will say “this will never work!” and just give up. Optimism also makes you happier - there are no future horrors to dwell on. Your immune system works better, so you are healthier. You will be nicer to others, so they are nicer to you. The gemara tells us: ”I toiled, but didn’t find - don’t believe him” - in learning, if someone claims to have put in the work but didn’t understand what he learned, we don’t believe that he actually did the work. You only stop doing the work when you give up hope.
The clear downside of pessimism is demotivation - you don’t feel that taking action will help. You also get to feel depressed about it now, rather than if something bad happens.
I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
– Mark Twain
However, optimism also has a danger. You may be so hopeful that you ignore reality. Last Wednesday, the keyboard on my laptop started acting oddly - putting in extra weird characters, most of the time. I don’t have any other computer. Sunday morning the keyboard wouldn’t type normally at all. Even with a regular keyboard plugged in, it wouldn’t work. I was feeling rather distraught - I use my laptop for gemara shiur every morning, for running this website, as well as most other things I do. To not have a working computer is tremendously frustrating to me. I could see my emails, but I couldn’t write back. I noticed that I was becoming depressed. I realized that I could tell myself that it will be fixed quickly, or the next time I try the problem will go away - I could choose to be unfailingly optimistic. But I just couldn’t believe that would be true- I would be lying to myself.
That sparked my new (partial) understanding of optimism: optimism isn’t out there - it’s inside you.
“Whenever you think the problem is out there, that thought is the problem.” Life isn’t about what goes on out there. Life is about how you view it, and what you do about it. The 4th perek of Pirkei Avos defines a rich, wise, strong, honored person - they are all rooted in yourself, not in comparison to someone else (e.g. a rich person is someone that rejoices with his lot, not “the richest man in town”). So instead of expecting the good “out there”, focus on the good in yourself. Don’t think “It will work out” but rather “I can handle it. This won’t overwhelm me. I can do something about it.” Instead of saying “Great things will happen to me today” say “I will do great things today!” While great things MAY happen to you, you have direct control over yourself - you can cause it to happen. Instead of ignoring reality, you are choosing how you will act.
Extreme pessimism has an attitude of “it’s horrible, there’s nothing I can do about it. No matter what I do or how hard I try, it just won’t work.”
Optimism is about empowerment. It says “I can deal with it. I can change it, or learn to live with it. If I need help, I can contiune davening for it. Hashem doesn’t send me challenges I can’t handle!” (R’ Tauber says that a need indicates that you need to daven. As long as you have that need, you must continue to daven.)
Instead of focusing on how much time I may not be able to use my computer, I decided to focus on what I could do instead, such as reading more. Instead of focusing on the annoyance and possible frustration about getting the keyboard fixed, I focused on my ability to remain calm and make the most of my time. I know at least one good thing came from it - I have a better understanding of optimism!
Be unfailingly optimistic - expect the best from YOURSELF, in all situations!
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